Well, Canada’s feeling spicy again. In an attempt to flex its economic muscles—which, let’s be honest, are about as intimidating as a curling broom—Canada just slapped 25% tariffs on 1,800 American products, with plans to hike that number to 6,200 by April 2. Why April 2? Because that’s the day President Donald Trump, in classic Trumpian fashion, is expected to roll out broader tariffs against every country that taxes U.S. imports. And Canada, bless their bureaucratic hearts, wants to look like they’re ready to go toe-to-toe with the economic juggernaut that is the United States.
Only problem? Their retaliation list reads less like a trade policy and more like the inventory of a prop warehouse for a Wes Anderson movie.
Live monkeys? Flamethrowers? Manatee meat? Church bell cases and asbestos-laced clothing? What is this—trade policy by Mad Libs? Are we sure Justin Trudeau didn’t just ask ChatGPT to generate a list of “random American things” while sipping a soy latte and admiring his socks?
The reality here is painfully transparent: this is performative economics. Canadian officials are padding their list with the most obscure, lowest-volume products imaginable to give the illusion of a strong response. It’s like getting into a bar fight and throwing a drink coaster while yelling, “Take that!” Toronto’s anti-manatee meat crowd will certainly sleep better tonight, knowing they’ve stood firm against the imperialist camel burger invasion.
Let’s not overlook the comedy gold tucked into the details. Canadian professors are openly admitting this is all optics. Professor Ian Lee of Carleton University basically said the quiet part out loud—that this whole tariff list is an elaborate stage play for political theater. They’re not hitting big consumer goods or high-volume imports. They’re swinging wildly at novelty items, hoping the sheer volume of “things” will impress the voters back home and rattle the Americans. Spoiler: it won’t.
Meanwhile, some enterprising genius in the Canadian government thought the best way to strike at the heart of American policy was to buy billboards in deep-red states warning Americans that tariffs are taxes. “Tariffs Are a Tax On Your Grocery Bill,” they warn. “Tariffs Are a Tax At the Gas Pump.” And for some added flair, they printed half of these messages in French. Because nothing screams persuasive messaging in Georgia like “Les Tarifs Sont Une Taxe.”
You’ve got to hand it to them—Canada may not have a real strategy, but they sure have style. Poorly executed, ill-targeted style, but style nonetheless.
Here’s the reality: American consumers are not hanging by a thread waiting on a shipment of Canadian manatee meat or asbestos cardigans. The U.S. is Canada’s biggest customer, not the other way around. We send them cars, energy, machinery, and tech. They send us poutine, lumber, and passive-aggressive politics. When the Trump administration slaps tariffs on imports, it’s about bringing leverage to the table in real trade negotiations. When Canada retaliates, it’s like a toddler swatting at a linebacker and declaring victory because he didn’t fall down.
Who the fudge is out here eating manatee meat?!
Canada Slaps Tariffs on Flamethrowers, Manatee Meat, Fake Beards, and Live Monkeys in Response to Trump https://t.co/ZOZeZEK08N
— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) April 1, 2025
The fact that Trudeau’s government is trying to wage a trade war with snack foods and exotic meats only underscores how little firepower they actually have in this fight. It’s not just unserious—it’s downright laughable.
.@PressSec on unfair trade practices on the U.S.:
50% tariff from the EU on American dairy
700% tariff from Japan on American rice
100% tariff from India on American ag products
300% tariff from Canada on American butter & cheeseT-1 DAY UNTIL LIBERATION DAY! pic.twitter.com/EzYqL42efJ
— The White House (@WhiteHouse) April 2, 2025
So, enjoy your grandstanding while it lasts, Canada. Stock up on accordion parts and emu feathers now before the price hike kicks in. Down here, we’ll keep running the world’s largest economy while you try to weaponize monkey meat and bilingual billboards.
Kevin O’Leary, who is a Canadian, suggests that the US and Canada should merge.
“We should have no tariffs on the 49th parallel. It should be an open market. That’s combining the two economies to everybody’s benefit. That’ll be a behemoth that China could never catch up with.” pic.twitter.com/LMTnwHNbnG
— Ron Smith (@Ronxyz00) March 31, 2025
Adieu et bonne chance.
